Messed Up
by Tactic
Summary: This is a story involving some of the most messed up parody's and humor twists that my mind can come up with. Involves me and my five friends getting ahold of Gundams and going stir crazy in the real world


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Prologue:  
Intro into PAIN  
  
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It had taken six months, eighty dollars in ancient circuitry systems, and close to our complete sanity looking over crusting yellow diagrams but finally the project was complete. Standing eight feet tall, weighing close to two hundred pounds, and boosting enough power to be heard at the top of the empire state building from my back yard we were truly proud. The five of us, Mick, Chris, Dan, Nate, and I, were now the owners of the absolutely most POWERFUL sound amplifying speaker ever created in the history of the living world. All that remained was to plug Dan's base guitar into the singular input jack and choose a song to play. Strangely enough we had several differing opinions as to what exactly we sound unleash upon the school before we shake it down.  
"I wanna play Black Sabath!" yelled Mike at the top of his lungs.  
"No, it's my guitar and I'm gonna play the Oscarmire theme song." Dan replied.  
Nate choose to voice his opinion next, "How about we play the classic American groupe song, "The Stock market is our friend?"  
There was a moment of silence as the four of us looked at each other as though conveying a silent message of confusion. Then strangely enough the entire Chicago-land area power grid shut down for exactly .2 second and in the momentary darkness that followed a large splat was heard. When the lights came back on Nate was the floor face first with a huge bump on his heard and his hands held out to his sides in warding signs. Again the four of us looked at each other strangely before shrugging and returning to our conversation.  
"Anyways I don't care what we play but let's do it now." I said while hooking in the last plug to the speaker.  
"Sabath, Sabath, SABATH!!!! I WANT SSAAABBBAAAATTTTHHHH!!!!" Three guesses who yelled this.  
"Oscermire!" Dan yelled back.  
"Sabath!" Mike.  
"Oscarmire!" Dan.  
"Sabath!" Mike  
"Oscarmire!" Dan.  
"Sabath!" Mike  
"Oscarmire!" Dan.  
"Sabath!" Mike  
"Oscarmire!" Dan.  
"Sabath!" Mike  
"SPOOON!" Nate yelled from the floor.  
Both Dan and Mike looked down at Nate for a second, looked back at each other, nodded slightly in union, then with a loud yell elbow dropped Nate in the back of the skull. Needless to say in the massive, yet brief, display of intense violence that followed Chris and I both had huge sweat drops on our heads at the brutality our friends displayed towards another friend of ours. When the beating finally ended Nate was out cold with several more large bruises on the back of his skull.  
Picking up the guitar Dan plugged in his end of the cord and raised his hand to strike the first fateful cord on the ultimate amplifier. Twisting the knob on the speaker to set the power to maximum there began a small rumbling under our feet as the speaker amplified the sound of air striking the chords of the base guitar. The rumble began to intensify as Dan's hand approached the slim threads that wound unleash the ultimate expression of music on the school around the A.V. Room. The four of us not holding the guitar jumped behind the Styrofoam barricade that we had built a couple of minutes ago in hopes that we wouldn't die when the sonic waves hit us.  
Now it is just basic physics that when a jet breaks through the speed of sound it creates what is known as a sonic boom, a wave of sound energy that can easily cause deafness if one is not careful. It is also common knowledge that when a nuclear bomb hits the ground an electromagnetic pulse disables all electronic devices within the blast radius right before the entire area within a fifty mile radius is destroyed by the sudden increase in temperature to around six billion or so degrees Celsius. Both of these situations are examples of rather basic physical facts that end up in major damage to those around them. Well today the sonic boom, electromagnetic pulse, and nuclear explosion, meets it's superior the base guitar of a high school student.  
The rumble finally hit its peak as Dan finally touched the cord that relayed the signal to the speaker to unleash hell on earth. A veritable hurricane of pure power ERUPTED from the speaker in a visible wave of energy that destroyed everything and all things within the first fifty miles in front of it. Meaning that the school walls, the windows, and sadly the school computer servers all were destroyed in the first thirty seconds of the sound. The students and adults that got caught up in the wave all clutched their ears and began to euphorically spasm on the ground at the horrendously foul music coming from the amp. All were screaming their desire to be killed by god's hand in order to be spared from the sheer agony of living through that sound a young boy calls music.  
As the four of us slowly got out from behind barricade it was no surprise to see the majority of the school in front of our impromptu performance was pretty much destroyed. The people on the ground seemed to mumbling something about Armageddon and death by demonic music that sounded really, really, bad. Apparently they weren't the only ones to think so as a strange green mist began to pour from the amplifier and form into a rather strange shape. The cloud came to resemble a large chubby man wearing a disgusting mix of medieval, futuristic, and chicken crusted cloths. The thing had a baldhead, no nose, and was armed with a rather large energy cannon that was pointed directly at Dan's guitar for some reason or another.   
Pulling a large drumstick out of nowhere the man began yelling into it like a mike, "I am the rad genie of the large under priced speaker. You have awakened me from my slumber and so you shall either ask me for a wish in the next fifteen seconds or I shall destroy you with extreme prejudice for giving me the king of all migraines. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…ouch my head…HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"  
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Chapter 1:  
Brains just aren't what there cracked up to be  
  
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Well needless to say looking down the barrel of a really big energy cannon was slightly unnerving but we got over it within a dozen seconds or so.   
Sadly though this left us with only, "Three…two…one…crash and burn baby."  
As the slight whine of the energy cannon began to grow louder by some chance a television was playing in the background a certain DVD that Mike had brought in. There was the sight of several large robots battling against each other in the middle of a city and one of them appeared to be using a cannon similar to the one that was about to obliterate me.  
Sadly 2+2 very rarely makes five as I yelled, "I wish we all had gundams and the ability to use them."  
Suddenly the whine dropped into silence as the weapon disappeared and the genie looked upon us with a sadistic smile. He seemed to darken slightly as he rubbed his hands together evilly and began to form a slightly darkened ball of energy between them.  
"Very well each of you think of your favorite gundam and I shall grant your wish." The genie said before bursting into another fit of laughter, "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"  
It's actually quite amazing the way that the human brain works when it's put in a stressful situation and adrenaline is pumped into the system. The mind has the functions to act like a rock that had just been dropped into pool of serene water when the need arises. Like say a mystic genie suddenly appears in front of you your mind automatically pulls up any and all information that you have ever gained on the subject of magic, wishes, and the appearance of such a being. Or perhaps said genie suddenly whips out an energy cannon and points it directly at you with the threat of complete annihilation. Your mid will release adrenaline into your system so it will be capable of processing at a much higher rate then normal and do what it needs to do to survive.  
So when the genie said for us to think of our favorite mobile suit our brains immediately began to pull up any and all gundam TV shows that we've ever seen or read in manga. My mind drifted towards a recent gundam series that they had been showing on the Anime channel called G-gundam. The main character on that series had some really awesome firepower in his newest mobile suit called the Burning Gundam and I certainly wouldn't mind being able to access it's super mode. That and it was really cool when it circled the globe in about two minutes in the episode that was on the other day.   
Apparently the others followed the directions themselves rather well and the genie said, "You have all chosen well and this will certainly be funny to watch from the astral plane."  
Just then the ball in his hands blasted out and struck the five of us in the chest and I have to say it really hurt like hell. It seemed to pour into our very being and pull out the potential needed to pilot the giant mecha that suddenly appeared in the crater that had once been the east part of our school. From our positions on the ground where we'd collapsed after the power surge we we're just able to see the giant suits that would soon be ours to have immense fun with.   
"I have granted your wish and since I expect your in a hurry to pilot your suits…" The genie snapped his fingers and the world winked out of existence for us. "HAHAHAHAHAHA!!"  
Slowly I opened my eyes and found myself laying by myself laying on the ground in a giant blackened cockpit. As I stood up I noticed that a kind of holographic keyboard was asking me questions in mid air.  
[DO YOU WISH TO BEGIN CONVERSION PROCESS?] It asked followed by, [YES] and [NO]  
Moving my finger over the yes button I pushed it through the thin beam of light and was surprised when the cockpit suddenly came to life around me. A large metal circle began to rotate down from the ceiling in a clockwise direction at the same time that an even large one rotate counter clockwise around my stomach level. Remembering this from the anime I just stood there as the rings began to apply an extremely tight body suit that would send signals from my body to the gundam that it will then mimic. Around me the viewers all came to life as one as they showed the world around me and the communicator started up so that I could hear my friends around me as they got used to there new gundams.   
I have to say that our personal preferences certainly differed considering the variety of gundams that was around me. To my left stood the Maxter gundam with it's large semi-boxing gloves attached to its shoulders and the twin energy magnums attached to its hips. In front of me stood Gundam Unit 02 from the Stardust series complete with it's enormous shield and missile launcher. To my right the Dragon gundam sat in a cross-legged position examining it's hands like it had never seen a gundam before. According to my sensors Chris was piloting the Dragon gundam, Dan was in the Maxter gundam, and Nate was trying to figure out the more difficult controls of Unit 02.   
"You people, ok?" I asked through the communicator.  
Turning the look at me the Maxter gundam said, "That you, Jaxon?"  
"Of course." I replied.  
"This is so AWESOME!" Screamed Chris at the top of is lungs as the gundam jumped to its feet.  
Apparently Nate wasn't having the same luck as he screamed, "Damn you Unit 02. Why won't you do anything?"  
Suddenly the giant rocket launcher was pointed off into the distance and fired a missile bigger then my unit's skull into the distance. The massive missile sailed off into the distance on a wild path that would eventually result in the destruction of Wall Street in general and thus without all the massive money being moved constantly the U.S. economy eventually shuts down to a start of post nuclear holocaust. Of course none of us know this and a wild missile is ignored for the more amusing position Unit 02 was in know as the backlash from firing him launcher had sent him belly up on the ground. Nate was currently flopping around on the ground like some sort of fish as he tried to figure out how exactly to get his heavy suit back on its feet.   
"I'm a jelly fish! A jelly fish!" Nate yelled for some reason from his position on the ground.  
"Looks more like a carp to me." Dan replied from where Maxter gundam was slapping his mechanical knee.  
Turning around I wasn't surprised to see Gundam Wing Zero Custom standing there, but it strangely had it's beam cannon in it's two hands pointed directly at a particular factory off in the distance.  
"You ok back there, Mike?" I asked through the communicator.  
"Spam! Spam! Must kill all Spam! That is my true enemy!" Mike yelled out to noone in particular.  
"Uh oh. Guys, I think Mike is under the control of the Zero system." I said while taking a step back.  
As Mike raised his cannon to point directly at the factory, which happened to be right behind us, he chanted in monotone, "Any who get between me and my Spam will die."  
Suddenly the energy cannon began to draw in massive quantities of energy from the surrounding area in preparation for firing at the factory. In a speed I never thought I had I blasted forward to grab onto the mouth of the buster cannon and push it straight up into the air right before it fired. A HUGE blast of power discharged from the cannon in a massive wide effect destruction area that luckily managed to avoid hitting anyone, or so we thought.   
Just then over the radio we hear, "Good god of the holy Christ save my pitiful soul."  
Together the five of us each look at each gundam with a loud, "Huh?"  
Strangely enough as they finished the call a large Boeing airplane came flying out of the heavens and crashed into the distant empire state building.  
Again over the radio we heard in one voice, "So there Al-quada terrorists think they can strike us again, eh? Ok boys you know what to do."   
Then by another, "No, NO, NOOOOOO!!!" Gunfire followed the voice, as the people aboard the plane died a gruesome death.  
Oblivious Nate had been trying to get to his feet as he said, "Ah ha! I know this is the right button."  
With a loud explosion the bazooka fired once again but straight into the air this time before striking something above the clouds.  
"No the irony! The IRONY!" A new voice said just as another plane began to drop towards the ground in the distance.  
The plane plummeted toward the dead center of Chicago on a collision with the rush hour metroplian highway system. Within a couple minutes tons of tanks came driving up and blasted the accused terrorists into absolute nothingness. A sweat drop appeared on all of our heads as we watched the plane that Nate had accidentally shot down. Sadly thanks to the Zero system Mike was the first to recover as he bitch slapped the Blazing Gundam and turned the cannon back towards the distant Spam manufacturing plant.  
"SPAM WILL DIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!" Mike yelled through the communicator as he fired the cannon once again.  
From my place on the ground I managed to push his hand up slightly at the last second but it barely managed to put the beam about two meters above the building itself. Traveling into the distant clouds it wasn't as big a surprise this time when a plane came falling towards the earth like demented version of a whirligig seed, as it's entire left wing was gone.  
The plane's radio cracked on as the pilot screamed, "We're all gonna DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! Ugh gonna be sick. DIE! DIE! DIE! DI…"  
That's as far as the pilot got before the plane crashed into several different superstructures and burning to the ground below. It didn't take long for the local anti-terrorist unit turned flamethrowers on all the buildings it hit and launched a barrage of bazooka shots at the burning plane. Standing up as quickly as possible I grabbed onto the buster rifle and yanked it away from the fingers of the Wing Zero. Mike didn't waste a second as he drew two of his beam sabers and began trying to make chopsuey with my gundam. It was all I could do to draw two of my own sabers and put up a barely adequate defense against the practical wall of slashes and thrusts.   
"Come on guys! We got to restrain Mike." I yelled as one of the blades managed to glancing blow.  
Running up behind the Wing Zero Dan yelled, "Ok let's see if this works like the show."  
Quickly the red shoulder guards lifted up and dropped towards the hands like a giant pair of boxing gloves. Of course that was the plan but the new pilot of the Maxter gundam didn't know how to catch the guards so they dropped to the ground like a giant pair of rocks. With a slight sweat drop on his head at his bungle his quickly reached down and grabbed onto the impromptu gloves before putting them on his hands and striking a pose.  
Holding his stance for a second Dan said, "I am SO hardcore!"  
Suddenly Wing Zero turned around and dove towards the Maxter gundam as Mike cried rather loudly, "Bad Cameo's are my enemy prepare to DIE, Dan!"  
"You don't like my POSE! Prepare to die, Mike!" Dan replied and they began a rather bad rendition of blades versus gloves.  
The two of them battled back in forth for close to three minutes before Mike with the help of the Zero system overwhelmed the Maxter gundam with two beam sabers and enough Vulcan ammo to destroy a fleet. Dan was on his back with Wind Zero posed over him, beam saber in hand for the finishing blow, when everyone was suddenly interrupted.  
"Ah! I Nate of the Gundam Unit 02 shall now save the day." Nate's voice said over the radio.  
Everyone turned to look over at where Nate had somehow managed to get his gundam standing up and his bazooka turned into its nuclear power mode. A massive ball of energy was condensed within the barrel as it prepared to fire its ultimate weapon straight at Wing Gundam.  
Again Mike turned his gundam around to face Unit 02 as he shouted, "Bad cameo must DIE!"  
"You asked for it evil doer!" Nate said as it began to unleash the energy.  
Of course the Wing Zero would've been destroyed without a doubt had the beam actually managed to go in the right direction. Somehow at the last second the concrete gave way underneath Unit 02's foot and his bazooka pointed straight into the air as it unleashed a blast of energy superior to the buster cannon of Wing Zero. It traveled up, up, and further up into the clouds before erupted into a massive ball of energy that enclosed a one-mile radius in all directions.   
Suddenly at least a hundred different voices screamed, "NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"  
Then the clouds parted as dozens upon dozens of airplanes came falling out of the air to strike the entire expansion of the Chicago land area. Each of them possessed one form of destruction or another depended on its proximity to the exact center of the blast.   
Just then Chris asked, "I wonder why all those planes were congregating over Chicago?"  
Of course in a complete cliché a new plane appeared just then with a banner hanging from it's tail that said, 'INTERNATION SUICIDE TERRORIST REUNION'.  
A sweat drop frames his temple as Chris replied, "Oh that explains it."  
In the confusion Zero had managed to recover his buster rifle and turn it back on the distant Spam manufacturing plant. This time I was to late to stop him as he fired in a low arch path that destroyed the Spam plant along with everything within a dozen mile diameter. Of course with that went a particular company that all of us were rather attached to considering that we'd never gotten layed before.  
As one the four of us yelled, "YOU DESTROYED HENTAI ANIME OF AMERICA! PREPARE TO DIE!!!!"  
Mike had just enough time to cry, "Mommy," before the four of us were on him in such an intense brutality that I'm gonna have so much fun describing.  
Well first Chris drew a half dozen of his beam flags and chucked them around the Wing Zero before erupting a fire shield around Mike so that he couldn't escape. Soon after Dan appeared through the flame seemingly unscathed and began to give him a beat down with his fists that would be felt for a VERY long time. Almost like they'd planned this the moment Dan leapt away a HUGE missile came barreling through the flame and exploded into the gundam with the force of a buster rifle. As the flames finally died down Wind Zero was baked, bruised, and dented, yet he still managed to be standing up with the help of its wings as a prop.  
"Back off this guys' mine." I yelled as my anger reached its peak.  
The with the force of a nuke going off my gundam lit up with a enormous light like that of a white hot fire and new power rushed through my system. The power was enormous to the fact that I felt like I could destroy the city without a thought as I brought my hands to my side.   
Mike voiced what had happened as he prepared to die, "Holy shit he's gone into hyper mode!"  
The power erupted to new levels as my burning fingers contained tons upon tons of power until I brought my hands up and cried, "Burning Gundam final attack revised Burning Energy Destruction!"  
Spreading my gundam's palms the energy contained was unleashed in such a wave that it would've rivaled a couple of buster cannon, well a couple dozen rifles actually. Wing Zero was bathed in a sea of white hot power for no more than about thirty seconds but when the beam finally died down Wing Zero did as all anime characters did when there defeated. It collapsed to its knees before beginning a slow dramatic fall to the ground that showed complete and utter defeat at my hands.  
I guess I was slightly ecstatic as I began to sing, "I AM THE CHAMPION. I AM THE CHAMPION. NO TIME FOR LOSERS LIKE YOU CAUSE I AM THE CHAMPION. OF THE WORLD!!!!"  
Then suddenly I felt true fear as the three remaining gundams rose up before me in a very scary manor and yelled, "YOU! ARE! THE! CHAMION!?"  
Due to the excessive violence of the following scene it had been cut to keep our younger viewers for informing there parents and getting me sued.  
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Chapter 2:  
Bombs, Babes, and Beam Sabres, OH MY  
  
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In a place no human can imagine yet have traveled a million times over the rad genie of the large under priced speaker was nibbling on an impossibly large bucket of chicken with one hand while talking at the same time into a drumstick with the other. This made for a very strange sight considering the fact that his mouth was always full of chicken and he was able to talk at exactly the same time.   
"Ok well the boys have their gundams and that's all good but I think I could do something to spice it up a bit." He said to himself before adding as an after thought, "But what could I add that would go along with the initial wish and not get any attention from HIM."  
Then suddenly from nowhere in particular two little midget sized version of the rad genie appeared on the larger ones shoulders with only slight differences. One was slightly more angelic with a bent halo over its head where sweat socks were drying themselves. The other was more demonic with a HUGE pitchfork stuffed up its ass and a large tail growing from its forehead.  
The left one said, "I the sweat sock conscious of yours suggest that you bring forth the love interests of the pilots to this new dimension. Perhaps even alter there memories so that the individual pilots they love are replaced with these new ones you granted the wish."  
The right one said, "And I the twisted evil portion *ouch my ass* of your soul suggest you inform the Intergalactic Evil Syndicate of Alien Races that just like to make trouble for the Hero's of Earth that five new good guys have appeared on Earth."  
Snapping his fingers the rad genie looked up from his glum biddings ate another impossibly large piece of chicken, and made the two little mini hims disappear.  
"Very well then I shall do them both. This is gonna be so much FUN. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"  
  
***  
  
In the Gundam Wing Universe…  
Relena Peacecraft is standing on a balcony overlooking a massive area of land that is guarded by computer controlled mobile doll. She has a regal thing going on in a really big dress that while she doesn't really want to wear is now proper of her station as head of the worlds strongest power. That and the group seems to have a thing for 1600s formal dress on both sides.  
Stepping up in front of the camera she began a carefully prepared speech, "I, Queen Relena, of the Romafeller foundation do hereby declare an end to all national…"  
Then suddenly the ground beneath her disappears into a massive tear in the space-time continuum that really shouldn't be there or at least that's what the rules of physics say. Needless to say she falls through with absolutely no problem and by some twist of fate the entire planet doesn't blow up, as enough power is unleashed from the sealing of the hole to wipe out the entire military force of the foundation.  
  
***  
  
In the G-Gundam Universe…  
Within about a half a mile radius three different parties begin to feel slightly uneasy as though some massive tear in the multiverse is suddenly going to swallow them whole. Of course they don't actually know that there future is going to be taking a different path very soon but there's always that itch in the back of your mind that says something very BAD is going to happen very soon and there ain't nothing you can do about it.   
The first party, one Allenby Beardslee of Neo Sweden was being held unconscious in a test tube effect after her defeat by Domon of Neo Japan. Her body is currently laying completely nude on a medical bed getting a check up after her large emotional breakdown in the battle. Raised to be the perfect Gundam fighter her finely tuned battle senses give her exactly two seconds warning before the hole in the universe opens underneath her and sucks her up, minus the towel that had been covering her.  
In another part of the town the group of female that is the love interests of Jiminy Crocket, merely called the Crew, were fixing up the Gundam. Well actually they were twisting there bodies in very obscene ways hoping to catch the oblivious eye of there pilot while acting like they were doing maintenance. Once street rats that had run away from their orphanage the young woman had developed danger senses much like those of the Gundam pilots themselves. The only real difference was that the girls were picked up one by one by the portal to another universe.  
The third party was sitting on a plane that was going to take her and her brother back to their home country of Neo Denmark. As oppose to the other young very well developed woman who were sucked up this girl was merely a cute young girl of fourteen-named Cecil who had developed a huge crush on the pilot of Neo China's Dragon Gundam. She didn't even have any warning before a ripe in the space-time continuum sucked her up like some sort of prize in a vending machine. Needless to say the pilot of the plane decided not to lift off when he discovered a huge hole in the bottom of the aircraft.  
  
***  
  
In the Stardust Memories Universe…  
On board the individual freestyle military ship code-named Albion a certain blond haired technician was feeling slightly unnerved. Her past love interest of the handsome Zeon pilot was battling in HER mobile suit with her current love possibility in the Unit 01. Nina Purpleton was just so distraught over the fact that if one or the other won she was gonna have to face never getting into the pants of the other again. If only she could find a man that pilots a Gundam who didn't want to fight so that she could have him all to herself.  
She never realized that her silent wish was going to be answered in one of the most sexually frustrating ways imaginable. All of three seconds later the final hole in the space-time continuum that is allowed in our budget appeared underneath her and sucked her into where she was suppose to be.   
  
***  
  
Back in the place between dimensions where impossibly powerful creatures seem to hang out for completely no reason in particular five new people appeared in small capsules of contained atmosphere. The people were actually the five females recently displaced from there own dimensions and come to make the lives of the new pilots really, REALLY hectic.  
Popping back into existence right in front the girls the rad genie said, "HAHA!! Now that I have chosen the perfect mate for my new pilots I shall send them to 'visit'."  
A bright white light fills up the screen as the memories of the females are altered to replace their loves with the new pilots. The inhibitions that they have about showing their emotions are removed and then they are sent to join us in the home dimension.   
  
***  
  
Back in the home universe…  
In my piloting sphere I was really, really, really feeling the pain right now after the beat down given to me by the other three pilots. Between the three of them they had worked me over with a whole bunch of physical attacks that would leave bruises in the morning if I had ever had them. Still now that my mind had time to think about it the battle it had really been a rush going into my suit's hyper mode and firing off that blast. To my right the roasted body of Wing Zero was still unconscious and didn't look like it was going to be moving anytime soon. And in the distance I could see the final three pilots were currently doing a really big game of twister in their gundams on what had once been the city of Chicago. After that assault by the hundred and fifty or so planes in the Suicide Bomber reunion the once productive city had been reduced to ruins with the people slowly clawing their way out of the wreckage.  
"Man my aching bot." I said and I motioned my suit to sit up.  
Suddenly the revived eyes of the Wing Zero Custom suddenly glowed red and Mike yelled, "Bad cliché. Prepare to die, Jaxon!"  
Back fisting him across the face I said tiredly, "Shut up Mike."  
Then suddenly as I stood my suit up a white glow began to envelop my cockpit in a light so bright it was impossible to see.  
"What the…" I yelled to no one in particular.  
"Huh?"  
"Gotta work on my tan."  
"The light burns!"  
"…*drool*…"   
As quickly as it had appeared the light dissipated and a young beautifully built female fell on top of me. She has a lean toned body with large breasts, all the right curves, and personal verification of her natural blue hair Of course it doesn't hurt that the girl is totally naked and is rubbing against my body is all the right ways. Apparently I wasn't the only one experiencing a strange phenomenon as all the other two G-Gundam suits were on the ground echoing the situation of their pilot and Unit 02 wasn't moving at all.  
Of course it was rather strange that a regal woman's voice was coming out of Wing Zero, "Mike, my love, please awaken and take this urgently awaiting queen. Rip this dress from my body and make me yours for once and all time."  
Out of Maxter gundam several voices were echoing, "Huh?" "Oh Yes!" "Take me!" "No he's mine" "Thank you god!"  
In Neo China's gundam, "I love you!" "But you're just a little kid!"  
Unit 02 was perhaps the strangest with, "I'm giving you such a blow job!" "But I'm saving myself for marriage." "Then let's get shacked honey!"  
Then slowly the female that was laying on top of me slowly began to wake up to her full consciousness. Almost as soon as she had awoke she wrapped both her arms and legs around me in a pull body glomp that took my breath away, literally. Even as I slowly tried to get some air back in my lungs I was aware of her considerable assets pressing into my chest.  
"Man I've missed you." She said in a tomboyish voice as she finally released me.  
Finally getting my breath back I asked, "Who are you?"  
"You mean you don't remember the love of your life, Allenby Beardslee?" She asked while punching me in the shoulder.  
"Uh, no?" I said confused.  
Wrapping her arms around me she pulled my head into her bosom as she said in a caring voice, "Oh you poor baby. You must've knocked your head on something if you've forgotten someone as much a part of your life as me."  
Desperate for some fresh air I sent the mental command to the computer to open the front of the cockpit. Letting out an "Eeeep!" Allenbee jumped behind me and covered her indecent bodily portions from the tons of reporters that suddenly appeared outside the suit. Not wanting to be discovered despite my current situation I quick reclosed my cockpit and made my suit stand back on it's feet. At a mental command the main boosters came alive in preparation of my soon to be quick departure.  
"Hey guys we've got to get going if you don't want to be caught." I yelled through the communications relay.  
"Down! Down little girl." Chris' voice yelled before saying, "Got it, but what about Mike and Wing Zero Custom."  
"We'll dunk him in the Great Lakes along the way to wake him up." I replied quickly.  
Gundam Maxter was just barely getting to it's feet as Dan said, "Ok, I think we've got an arrangement worked out so we can at least get out of here."  
Nate wasn't even worth mentioning as the only think coming out of his COM was, "No! Don't touch that! Give me my pants back!"  
"Damn seems like we're gonna have to carry him too." I said to Chris and Dan.  
Looking over at Unit 02 Chris said, "But we wouldn't be able to carry the gundam, let alone the shield too."  
Just then from behind me Allenbee said, "Why don't you activate the conversion system so that I could help you. The sphere piloting system is run on your latent bioenergy so if you add mine to your own it would super charge your gundam as much as possible without going into hyper mode."  
After a moments thought I replied, "Actually…that's not a bad idea." Then switching over to the COM I said, "Chris pick up Wing Zero Custom and make a dash for the Great Lakes. Dan grab Nate's shield and follow Chris. I'm gonna grab Unit 02 and follow you in just a minute."  
"And how are you gonna do that." Chris said while throwing Mike's gundam over his shoulder.  
"Just trust me and get going." I yelled back.  
Behind me Allenbee had just finished typing in all the required sequences to get the pilot conversion system back up running and the rings began to descend. Since I was already suited up it was relatively easy to push through the rubbery substance and maintain the position that my suit was in. On the other hand the formerly naked female took on a very curvy light blue and gray body suit with a pink bow over her large breasts. Sometimes it just didn't pay to be wearing a skin tight control suit as I tried to focus on anything other than the extremely well built girl that was hugging my back and mimicking my actions so as to add her bioenergy to mine.  
Leaning the Burning Gundam down we picked up the extremely heavy Unit 02 and powered up the flying system even higher. As we were forced to bring almost all of thrust power to bear just so that we could get the mobile suit off the ground, let alone make a relatively quick getaway.  
Of course Nate wasn't helping in any way as he screamed, "Put your shirt back on! Don't grab that! I told you I'm saving my self for marriage!"  
Just for the heck of it I smacked him behind the head and said, "Shut up already you idiot!"  
"Yes! I've got my boxers back!" Nate yelled in celebration.  
Shaking my head one more time I replied, "God how pathetic are you."  
It took some time but we eventually made our way all the out to Lake Michigan and to where the other pilots were restraining the now revived Wing Zero Custom. Seems kinda pointless to considering that Mike wasn't even trying to move, almost like as if the Zero system had been pacified or something of the matter.  
As I landed I opened the COM and said to Mike, "I'm glad you've finally got the Zero system under control."  
"Actually I don't. It's just that Wing Zero is scared of Relena and isn't trying to drive me crazy at the moment." Mike yelled from the ground.  
As I put down the Unit 02 I powered down the Burning Gundam and opened up the cockpit. There on the ground Mike, Dan, and Chris were standing with several different females of different looks and sizes.   
Jumping down I asked, "So who are all of these people?"  
Dan was the first to answer, "These are apparently my 'Crew' of beautiful females who work to repair and upgrade my gundam."  
Off to the side Chris was being hugged tightly by a rather young teenager as he replied, "This is Cecil of Neo Denmark who apparently wants to come with me because she's in love with me, despite the fact that she's two years younger than me and never met me before."  
Mike started, "This is…"  
Only to be elbowed in the stomach as Relena said, "I shall introduce myself." Turning back to us, "I am Queen Relena, Vice Foreign Minister of the Romafeller Foundation, newly crowed queen of the world nation, and wild lover of the pilot of Wing Zero Custom, Mike Sigler."  
"Gee I wonder who wears the pants in that couple." One of the girls in the crew said.  
From the open cockpit of Unit 02 Nate's voice could be heard, "Pants! Pants! Give me my pants back Nina! I feel so VIOLATED!"  
This was soon followed by, "Oh you liked it just as much as I did you big faker!"  
"God he's pathetic." Allenbee said from her position behind me.  
Eyeing her up Dan said, "You haven't introduced your 'friend' yet, Jaxon."   
"Oh sorry I'm Allenbee Beardslee, pilot of Neo Sweden's gundam." She said in a straightforward manner.  
"Well as great as it is trying to figure out this whole situation my suggestion is that we head back towards our homes and try to get some sleep." Mike said.  
"For once we agree." Dan said while standing back up.  
Looking up at the sky I noticed that indeed it really was already close to twilight in the late evening. The four of us agreed to head home and climbed back into our gundams to begin the trip back towards our houses. Well the homecoming was quite interesting to say the least with all the different new situations that had arisen. My gundam found it's new home kneeling down in a marsh field that was behind my house. Allenbee ended up staying the night at my house, in my bed, with me in it when she crawled in after I had fallen asleep. Sometimes I get flashes of things that happened that night without my really being fully conscious but due to the fact that I'm not sure I want to remember I kinda block it out most of the time.  
Sleep was indeed a precious thing that I got little of that night and it seemed like only minutes had passed from the time I went to bed to when my alarm woke me up the next morning. I guess I was in a bad mood because later that week I learned that a small alarm clock was found in low earth orbit still letting out that high pitched wake-up alarm, don't ask me how they could hear it in space. My morning preparations took longer than usual that morning if only because of the fact that Allenbee hung herself on my arm almost the whole time and when I eventually got on the bus to head to school it was only the promise that I'd spend some 'special' time with her after school that made her let go. Personally I would've preferred to spend the time after school playing around with my new gundam but a promise was a promise and it's not like the time had to last all night.  
The bus ride was as boring as always as eventually I arrived at the school with just enough time to get on ANOTHER bus to take me to my dual credit collage courses. Still at least Mike was on this one and he certainly didn't look very awake considering the giant bags under his eyes and the fact that only one half of his face was shaved, funny thing is that I didn't even know that he ever grew facial hair.  
"Tired?" I asked.  
"Yeah. You?" He replied.  
"Yeah. Her?"  
"Yeah. You too?"  
"Yeah. This afternoon too?"  
"Yeah."  
This conversation was indeed really kinda pointless but within a couple minutes we were already asleep in our seats trying to catch up on what we missed last night. We preaty much slept for the next three hours despite the fact that at some point we woke up enough to walk into the classroom and stare at a black computer screen with closed eyes. Strangely enough none of the teachers seemed to notice the fact that we were actually sleeping our way through our programming class because of some strange TV announcement that I couldn't really care less about. It was something about giants and aliens and mass destruction and military and most especially the words cannon fodder were being used a lot. Eventually on the way back to the school I awoke enough to hear what the radio announcer was talking about.  
"…swear Jimmy. This beast is tearing apart the military like there some sort of needle spearing through shish kabob. The giant is stabbing through the tanks without remorse while screaming at the top of its lungs a rather peculiar statement. Some experts worldwide are wondering if it is some sort of mating call like a giant lizard trying to find a equal. Others are believe this call to be some sort of code to others of its kind that are buried under ground waiting to be awakened by this beast."  
I heard it, understood it, and really just didn't care as I fell back to sleep once again. Getting back to school I mechanically walked my way through the giant ditch where the commons had been yesterday before walking up the stairs and into the AV room. There I could see Dan, Chris, and Nate all looking preaty tired themselves although each in different ways. Dan had the same bags under his eyes that Mike and I did like as through he'd been busy all night but still managed some sleep. Chris on the other hand had the bags but his eyes were in constant motion looking left and right, almost like as if he had been running from someone all night and was still being hunted. Still perhaps the worst out of us all was Nate as he was just plain looking pathetic as he moved over towards the diplomacy game board on the wall. The poor guy had the baggy eyes, flush skin, looked in all directions at once, and seemed to almost waddle forward so as to disturb his over used appendage as little as possible.  
"Have you put your moves in yet?" Nate asked as he moved towards the board.  
"Yeah put them in yesterday." I replied as I sat down on a merry-go-round chair and started spinning.   
From his position on the table Dan asked, "So anything good on TV?"  
Since Chris was the one holding the remote it was only appropriate that he should reply, "Only this bad Power Rangers wannabe movie."  
"So change the channel." Mike said as he walked into the room.  
"Problem is that it's on every channel." Chris replied.  
"Even the news channel?" I asked.  
"Yeah." He answered.  
"Then are you sure that it's fiction?" I said, "Maybe it's some giant monster sent by impossibly powerful aliens that merely wants to battle us in our gundams because we're here. This is also just the beginning of a massive campaign of battle that will eventually end with one of us self destructing to destroy the brain of the evil alien race."  
The five of us looked at one another before saying together, "NAH!"  
"So who are you rooting for?" I asked no one in general.  
"Monster." Dan answered quickly.  
"Monster." Mike.  
"Monster." Chris.  
"Army!" Nate yelled for some reason.  
"Army?" I wondered.  
"Yeah like this." Nate began before a spot light blinked on and he was sudden dressed in a WWII army uniform.  
"Huh!" The four of us echoed.  
Music began to play out of nowhere in a vaguely familiar song just in time for Nate to sing, "IN THE ARRRMY. YOU CAN MAKE IT COMPLETE. IN THE ARRRMY. YOU CAN SING THE…"  
"No!" Mike yelled clutching his head. "No! No! No! No! No!"  
Suddenly the roof of the school was ripped off its base by the giant hand of Wing Zero Custom. Green light seemed to bleed from its eyes, as it seemed to almost suck in Mike through the cockpit and pull out its beam rifle.  
"Gay singing groups are the enemy of all human kind. In the name of the fictional colony RX-G1 I shall destroy you."   
Surprisingly Nate didn't look slightly afraid and he laughed out loud before replying, "Not this time! I've come prepared in case you decided to try and stop my song."  
Whipping a small remote control out of nowhere with a big red button on it Nate struck a dramatic pose that was slightly ruined by he fact he was forced to vacate his pose as soon as his bruised groin made itself known. Finally getting over his case of blue balls Nate pushed the giant red button and a rather large cannon began to rise up through a trap door that hadn't been there yesterday. Almost as soon at it had risen Nate pulled out another remote with another big red button in the middle.  
"After reviewing all the data from the wing zero system I have discovered it's ultimate weakness. Surrender now or prepare to face my ultimate weapon. HAHAHA!" Nate called up to the pilot.  
"Prepare for oblivion you poor sick and twisted fool." Mike said as the beam cannon began to power up.  
"You asked for it!" Nate yelled just as he pushed the red button.  
In a small explosion of gunpowder the cannon launched RELENA out of its barrel and straight towards the still open cockpit of Wing Zero. She'd changed from her cloths of yesterday to an oversized gray sweatshirt and a tight black miniskirt that disappeared under the shirt. Strangely enough she didn't look surprised as she opened up her arms and prepared to be caught in the waiting arms of her new lover. In a moment she'd disappeared into the cockpit and the Wing Zero froze in place as the buster cannon powered down from it's previously charged state. A moment later a loud slap was heard and the rifle lowered all the way to the ground and the previously glowing green eyes drop into lifelessness. Slowly Mike emerged from the gundam with Relena on his back and a slowly throbbing red spot on his cheek.  
"And promise me that you'll never try to destroy your friend again, despite the fact that he's a pathetic retarded jackass." Relena was saying.  
"Ok, ok, I promise." Mike said as he leapt back down into the A.V. room.  
"HAHAHA! My plan work! HAHAHA!" Nate was laughing obviously.  
Slowly Mike was stalking towards Nate while rubbing his knuckles in such a way that an ominously loud crack was heard.  
"That was a dirty tactic, Nate." He said as he moved closer.  
"HAHAHA…eh?" The laughing boy finally noticed his predicament.  
"PREPARE TO DIE, NATE!" Mike screamed as he is about to pound to poor guy.  
From on his back Relena yelled, "MICHAEL!"   
Turning back to look at her the guy paused for a moment before turning back to the Nate and screaming, "Fine, PREPARE TO BE BRUTALLY MAIMED, NATE!!!"  
In the intense flash of complete mayhem that followed the poor pilot of Unit 02 was maimed, cut, bruised, and overall beaten within an inch of his life. It was really kinda sad considering that Nate outsized his opponent by a good fifty pounds and Relena was mounted on Mike's back the whole time. Still it with the exception of Relena being involved this was a common enough experience and the three of us pretty much ignored it as we turned back to the movie that happened to be on all channels. It was really starting to get interesting as the military was bringing out some of it's more unconventional weapons; flame throwers, freeze throwers, and even low powered lasers. By my guess it wouldn't be much longer before the military got desperate and launched a nuke at the giant monster, which would most likely feed it rather than kill it.  
The announcer was still going on about, "With pathetic results the militaries of all kinds are rendered to mere cannon fodder against a beast of this size. Real life just isn't suppose to be like this as a giant alien monster tries to rip apart Hokkaido, Japan."  
"That's strange usually aliens attack Tokyo not Hokkaido in movies." I stated as this oddity registered in my mind.  
"…and theirs that strange battle call it keeps screaming at the top of its lungs." The announcer went on.  
The camera served to zoom in on the alien as a recording of the monster played out what the thing cried every few seconds.  
Strangely enough it was in a perfect British accent the thing cried, "Gundam pilots. Coom out and face me, good sire!"  
"Uhhh, guys do you think it's asking for us?" I asked the others.  
"Well of course. This thing shows up the day after we get out suits and cry out for the 'Gundam Pilots' to fly over there and destroy us." Chris said like it was obvious.  
"Then why haven't we gone to kill it yet?" I asked them.  
"Because the fight between Nate with his cannon and Mike in Wing Zero was much more interesting then merely killing a giant alien." Dan replied.  
"While it was quite amusing to was that display don't you think we should go kill that thing?" I wondered.  
Sighing with resignation Dan said, "Ok just let me run home to get my gundam. Shouldn't take more than an hour."  
"Or we could just go like this," I said before raising my hands and yelling, "Rise Burning Gundam!"  
Snapping my fingers in such a way that the sensitive detection system on my mobile suit could pick it up even from several miles away. It took only a minute for the suit to appear before the broken roof and to suit up in my black sensor loaded cloths. Striking out in my warm-up exercises I hardly noticed that I had somehow hit the unconscious form of Nate and sent him flying into the distance that coincidently seemed to make him land a couple feet from the Unit 02. Following my example the other two G-gundam pilots summoned their suit while Mike who had just gotten finished 'relieving' Relena of her frustration and boarded the Wing Zero to pilot it with her on his lap.   
"Betcha I'll get their first!" I yelled as I blasted off so hard that I vaporized the local Taco Bell.  
"Your on!" Mike screamed back, though it was a rather high-pitched scream almost as though someone had grabbed something private.  
The four of us raced at our top speeds towards the distant island of the Rising Sun and the giant alien that had been requesting a battle. It took only a couple dozen minutes but as we got closer to Japan we were surprised by exactly small the monster really was considering the fact that on the TV it looked like it would stand above the average skyscraper. The thing only came up to our knees and looked like a mixture of a blue blob and puff the magic dragon.   
Calling out to us it yelled, "So the good sirs that pilot the impressively powerful gundam mobile suits have finally chosen to appear for final combat. Thus from here I shall hereby destroy you with little pressure by IGESOARTJLOMTFTHOE, Intergalactic Evil Syndicate of Alien Races that just like to make Trouble for the Hero's of Earth, to destroy you in the end."  
"Uh right." I said with a sweat drop before asking, "So can we just get down to battling now?"   
Nodding happily it replied, "Quite."   
Suddenly the tiny monster began to suck up so enormously huge amounts of air that it began to expand like a huge balloon. First it raised to our size, then to about double, until finally topping off at close to half a mile straight up with a stomach the size of the average suburb. All of us looked up in typical comical fashion at the massive protrusion that served to block out the sun and cast the entirety of Japan into shadow.  
"Holy shit this sucks!" I yelled back up.  
Then rushing forward Nate yelled, "Never shall I give into EVIL!"  
The stupid idiot in Unit 02 blasted forward with such speed that he indented himself deep within the air filled body of the giant monster. His mobile suit went deep within its skin as it folded in like a balloon until the inertia was expended and the monster expanded. With speeds that put the faster rocket to shame Nate's gundam came shooting out of the body engrossed in a nasty blob of green goo. There was a loud splat as he hit the ground and of course he choose to let out a loud groan at his predicament.   
"Well if that won't work, how about this," Mike said as he raised his massive beam rifle.  
A huge blast of energy came shooting out of the cannon and slammed into the giant balloon. At first the balloon expanded like last time but finally with a extreme burst of strength it punctured the body and continued on to the inside. Of course it didn't help out cause that a few seconds after the energy had lanced through hurricane winds came blasting out that smelled strangely like a mixture of dirty gym socks, elephant's shit, and the entirety of Great Britains sewage system. We were all blasted back by hurricane winds after our impromptu assault several hundred meters before coming to rest on several handy buildings. In a moment after the blast was fired the wound filled up and the monster was only a couple feet smaller as a result.   
"HAHAHA, Good Sir. You are helpless to defeat me as your strongest attack merely blows you away." The annoyingly proper monster said.  
"Man how do we kill this thing?" I asked.  
"How about deflating him?" Chris asked as me blasted forward.  
Extending his right dragon arm for more mobility the pilot of Dragon Gundam proceeded to rip a huge gash down the side of the beast. The gundam was moving around the base of the monster so fast that the winds didn't have time to catch up with it as the thing was forced to deflate even more then they could repair what they lost.  
"Let's do it guys!" I yelled as I drew both of my beam sabres.  
Each of us flew our way around the giant beast a couple of dozen times and proceeded to slowly deflate him till he was a mere eight hundred feet tall. Then suddenly the monster burst his own gut and we were flung a couple hundred meters away from the beast. As we all landed on the ground we looked up to find the guy only a couple dozen times bigger than us now.  
Laughing deeply the English monster said, "So you young knickers think you can defeat me with a simple maneuver. Try this on for size, kiddos."  
Taking another deep breath the beast strangely didn't begin to grow but rather his skin began to form strange cylinder like fixtures. On a beast that size there must have been several hundreds of thousands of cylinders that all formed at exactly the same time.   
"Wow you look like a giant pin cushion." Relena's voice said from inside Wing Zero.  
"HOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO, well if this is the pin cushion HERES THE PINS!!" The thing yelled.  
Then suddenly each of those cylinders began to emit a beam of energy about the length that our gundams were high. Now there wasn't a single part of it's body that we could get close to without being skewered by the dozens upon dozens of beam sabres that now littered it's body in tons of areas.  
"Holy Shit I think we're going to die." I said like it was obvious.  
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Chapter 3:  
Boredom set's in  
  
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In a place between worlds, between planes of existence, where beings of impossible amounts of power live for no particular reason the rad genie of the large under priced speaker was hanging out. That is to say that he was hanging around feeling a great deal of boredom despite the fact that he was indulging in his favorite past time, eating an unlimited amount of chicken in an impossibly large bucket. At the moment he was speaking into a large greasy drumstick and trying to ward off a strange fly that somehow had grown to the size of a Buick. It was anyone's guess how a fly bigger than a rhino had got between the planes of reality in the first place.  
  
( A.N. - Ok that's pretty much all I've got for now. This is probably the most messed up story I've written so I hope you review.) 


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